All I know is that I don’t know enough. Even what I do know, I sometimes forget. I forget human behaviors and what they mean. I don’t know that what I’m about to say will upset you. At times I don’t care but most of it is just not thought out completely. “If I only knew what I know now”, that’s the popular phrase and it’s so true if you actually learn from your experiences.
I never figured life to be some complicated and yet mundane at times. After much thought as a teenage all I knew I wanted to be was cool. Career, marriage, hobbies and everything else was more of a, what did you have in mind instead of me thinking ooo this is what I want to do. I did what I wanted but because it was what others wanted. Not necessarily because I considered all the options and decided, this is the right thing for me to do right now. It wasn’t pier pressure. It was just, everyone wants this car, so I’m going to get ahead of it and buy it myself. And that’s what I did, numerous times too.
Looking back is something I hate doing but inevitable. Last time I wrote, if you looked in my past you still wouldn’t know who i am today because that wasn’t what lead me to my destination. It’s just the fuel to keep going. I can’t see myself as I was anymore and I fear what I might become because of the auto pressure I put on myself because of all the time lost in the proverbial void.
I still don’t know enough to know what I’ll be tomorrow. I still don’t know enough to have a child and believe that I can mold this new human into a super human that can do whatever he wants. Not knowing is the scariest thing as we all fear what we don’t know but ignorance is bliss and we never know how ignorant we are until someone tells us or we have a self realization that are so few and far between. I don’t want to be ignorant. I like being worried but worried about the right things and not over think the shit I simply can’t control. It’s amazing that no matter if I lived forever, I’d still be ignorant to a lot of things. That’s how vast this place is. That’s how long this place has been around. That’s how finite we are, how infinite we aren’t.